it's getting brighter out. The sun has been shining the last few days, and I'm really starting to feel it, which is one part glorious and two parts "time to remember where I've come", which this time of year apparently means "yeah SAD is subtle, pervasive, and mean but remember when you almost died?" I'm really glad I got through this darkest part of the year, and that darkest year of the year.
I think one day I'll untangle this far enough to weave a real story out of it[1]; I even sat down and wrote a much longer Thing about it, but it wasn't quite right. 12ish years ago I spent somewhere between six months and a year with nonstop suicidal thoughts ranging from "you should die" to "here's how, let's do it Tuesday". I don't even know how long it was due to the severety of depression building up to it! At the time, I struggled a lot with the why--why did I feel so wrong, why was I depressed, why was I suicidal, surely if I found the why I could push a button and be fixed. Depression, unfortunately, has no button, and cause is complicated. I think at this stage I actually do know why--or as much as one can know anyways--which is why I'd like to weave its narrative, but it's hard. A lot of it has to deal with living in a cult, and even worse, being autistic in a cult. When a cult is built on a religious document, you find further belonging through that document, and then the reason you slowly extricate is the very same document, it gets difficult quickly. How much is too much info? What is the arc my narrative takes? What's the conclusion I want the reader to leave with? I like to be able to ask all these questions, and to see where I was and where I am now and see how, despite how much "this cannot get better" felt like a bedrock statement, I actually did get better.
Since I started doodling with this thought again on Thursday I have had a little chime vibrating inside, a perfect little tone, joyful and true: i live
The days are getting longer. I outlasted this season's SAD, and i'm pretty sure I'll keep doing that. i'd like it if you did too.
assuming the memory loss component doesn't render it all into static ↩︎